


Birdman vs Thanos

by cinip



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, RWBY
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Torture, Anal Vore, Crossover, Gen, Graphic Violence, Help, Humor, I wrote this for a friend, I'm so fucking sorry, Infinity Gauntlet, Please judge me, i need to ctrl A delete this entire fic, jokefic, shitpost, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 01:40:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18273191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinip/pseuds/cinip
Summary: There's only one way to defeat Salem's new ally, Thanos, and Qrow isn't gonna like it





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Galacticspace97](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galacticspace97/gifts).



Qrow took a swig of his flask before he was met with the taste of emptiness. Not just because he was lacking sleep, but because he actually ran out of whisky for once. Putting his flask back in its case, he begrudgingly knocked on the door. He ran a hand through his ruffled hair to smooth it out. It wasn’t unusual for him to get a call from Ozpin in the middle of the night, but this made four times this week. 

The door slowly opened, revealing the silver fox before him, looking down into his hot chocolate as he stirred it methodically with his spoon. Ozpin looked up. Qrow took a seat in front of him. He had done many errands for Ozpin before, but every time he had to sit across the desk from him like this, it always reminded him of his school days whenever he and his teammates would get into trouble. Ozpin cleared his throat. 

“Qrow, I firstmost want to thank you for meeting me here so early this morning,” said Ozpin, looking over at the clock, which read the ungodly hour of 4:17. Qrow squinted. Did Ozpin even sleep? Was he just an early riser? Qrow shrugged and decided that he wasn’t going to care anymore. Ozpin had more secrets than he did. Even though people who  _ say _ they have lots of secrets usually don’t have that many, Ozpin was the exception. Looking for answers with this man only brought more questions. 

“The pleasure is  _ not mine _ ,” grumbled Qrow. Ozpin raised an eyebrow. Qrow pretended to ignore this reaction but based on Ozpin’s general composure, he failed. 

“Enough with that attitude, I thought you would have outgrown it by now, as you are one of my most trusted allies.” Ozpin took a sip of his hot chocolate before continuing. “Recently, Salem has been rather quiet, which is unusual because usually some of her goonies are running around causing mischief or setting things up. You remember how I sent you to investigate this, right?” 

“I did end up finding a certain ‘Cinder’ character, and her two lackeys,” said Qrow, recounting one of their earlier meeting. “But we’ve already gone over everything I know-”

“I did some searching, and I had a hunch that Salem had recounted some new allies. And I was right about one thing. She found a being that rivaled her own lust for pure destruction, yet he did have some essence of preservation within him. A quite bizarre predicament for him, nonetheless,” said Ozpin, drawing out a quick sketch for Qrow. He looked over and saw before him a purple scrotum-ass looking mother-fucker so vile, it made his eyes wish to invert. But as this was not physically possible, he had to suffer. “He’s called  _ Thanos _ .”

“Hmm, Thanos you say,” said Qrow while stroking his permanent stubble. “I’ve never heard of this guy before, do we know how much of a threat he is?”

“Oh, he’s very much a threat. There is some speculation that the old gods of the world sent down a being that was fifty fifty to help speed up the judgment day, but the creature was so unstable that he went haywire,” said Ozpin as calmly as a person could be. “Fortunately, his semblance makes him purple, so we won’t have to worry about that.”

“Oh, so what’s the issue-”

“Unfortunately,” said Ozpin, continuing as if Qrow hadn’t even cut him off. “He holds a weapon so powerful that anyone who has it could bring an end to the world.”

“Well, what does it do?” asked Qrow. While he had already asked a lot of questions, Ozpin was being rather generous with his responses today. Normally everything was left a mystery to him. He wanted to get as much information as he could. 

“It is a gauntlet of sorts, with six different stones embedded into it. I knew of such a gauntlet from the old world, yet it seemed to be only a myth, and the stones were nowhere to be found. I fear that they have been assembled, and this Thanos person is in possession of it,” said Ozpin. “As for what it does, once the user snaps it, whatever they will will perish.”

“So in a good scenario, it can be used to get rid of the Grimm,” extrapolated Qrow. Ozpin banged his fist on the table. 

“Precisely,” he said, before regaining his composure. He pushed his glasses up further on his face. “I’m looking to the future for what to do with this gauntlet, because I don’t believe its power should be put to waste.”

“Oh? So you’re already assuming I’m going to win this fight with Thanos,” said Qrow, feeling a bit of pride creep into his demeanor. Ozpin chuckled. 

“Have you ever let me down before?” he inquired. Qrow smirked. Ozpin returned his smirk with a softer smirk that caused Qrow to unsmirk because he realized the task ahead of him. 

“So, am I just supposed to go up to this Thanos and fight him? Or is there anything else I need to know,” asked Qrow. Ozpin sighed and pressed his hands together in front of him like a prayer. He tapped a few of his fingers together. 

“There is one thing I think you should know,” said Ozpin cryptically. “I have a powerful ally who can see many possible outcomes of the future in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately, he was killed by Thanos before he could get away. He was a noble sacrifice, yet he did give me some insight on the future. There is only one way for you to beat Thanos and save the world, and it’s only you who can pull it off.”

“Okay?”

“I’m going to tell you the plan, but I want to know if you will back out of it or not. Do you trust me?”

“Do I trust you?”

Ozpin narrowed his eyes. 

“Answer the question, Qrow.”

Qrow hesitated for a minute. Ozpin was very cryptic with a lot of his messages, but this was completely new. Whatever Ozpin had planned for him was probably very dangerous, or something where he would need to have blind faith in what his task was. 

“Yes. I trust you,” said Qrow, yet he felt a little bit foolish whenever he said this. Trusting people was seen as week, and Qrow liked to be known as the edgy loner. Yet his trust in Ozpin gave him a bunch of insider information that he couldn’t resist, and all Ozpin wanted in return was his trust. It was a fair enough deal. 

“Good. I’ll brief you on your task. And before I say anything, I just want to say, I’m so sorry.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Man, you’re even uglier in person,” sneered Qrow as he wiped the blood from his mouth on his sleeve. He then grimaced at the thought of having to wash his coat later. “Didn’t think that was possible.” He dodged to the left as Thanos swung one of his thick meaty hands at Qrow, narrowly missing him. Qrow could feel the wind from Thanos’s second swing as he ducked underneat his scythe to block his hand. He used the tree behind him to give himself a bit of propulsion with his kick as he launched himself scythe first at Thanos. 

“You measley human think you can even pose a threat to me? Thanos?” boomed Thanos in full purple glory, attempting to catch Qrow with one of his chummy hands. 

“Duh, that’s why I’m  _ fighting _ you!” gritted Qrow as he lodged his scythe through Thanos’s thick skin. He sliced through his leg like butter that had been left out on the table for far too long. Thanos screamed with a vervor so vermivorous that it sent a chill up and down Qrow’s hunched spine. 

_ “Good. I’ll brief you on your task. And before I say anything, I just want to say, I’m so sorry.” _

_ “I don’t believe that anything you could have me do would be all that bad,” scoffed Qrow. “Just let me know what I have to do.” Ozpin breathed in and then breathed out again.  _

_ “In order to get Thanos to not use his gauntlet, we have to give him a reason for him to believe that there is no need to use it. That’s why I’m sending you alone. If he’s just fighting one person, then he’s not going to use it based off past patterns we’ve seen,” said Ozpin. Qrow nodded.  _

_ “Is there anything else I should or shouldn’t do? It feels like you’re keeping something from me.” _

_ Ozpin took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. Qrow looked down at those famed spectacles and thought about impulsively grabbing them to see how bad Ozpin’s eyes were, but decided against it because he knew that Ozpin would yell at him if he got smudges on the lenses.  _

_ “You are not to reveal that you can turn into a bird until the final part of the fight. This is to keep Thanos from anticipating your final move.” _

_ “Oh?” _

Qrow jumped backwards and ripped his scythe out of Thanos’s bloody leg. Thanos roared at him so loudly that the wind from his breath ruffled up his hair. Qrow ran a hand through his hair and then smirked at Thanos. 

“You’re just jealous because you’re BALD!” he yelled as he swung his scythe at Thanos’s hand. But Thanos was already one step ahead because he was nerfed with ugliness to make up for his genius level IQ. He anticipated Qrow’s swing, and grabbed his scythe, stopping it, then flicking Qrow off it like a gnat. 

Qrow’s eyes widened. This was it. Once Thanos had seemingly beaten him, he was to go with the second part of the plan. He gulped. He really, really, really, really, really, didn’t want to do this. But Ozpin had told him it would save the world. This was the only way. One way out of 14 million. And it had to be him. He looked down at the ground. 

No one would ever know that this had ever happend. Most people didn’t even know that this purple fucker even existed. It was an inside job. Literally. He didn’t have to think about it ever again. He kept telling himself this so that he was mentally prepared, but the task to come wasn’t possible to prepare for in the first place. 

Qrow turned into a bird. He looked over at Thanos, who was using his scythe as a toothpick, and clenched his beak tighter together. That purple bastard. Nonetheless, Qrow looked towards his task. Thanos was too preoccupied with his cut leg to notice that Qrow had his eyes set on a new target. Qrow shut his eyes as he prepared to enter his final destination. 

Thanos’s eyes popped out of his head as he felt a rather large sharp object enter his posterior sphincter. While it was slightly pleasurable, Thanos felt that at this very moment, he was going to die. If this was the way he was going to go out, then goddamn it, he was going to die a martyr. 

From inside Thanos’s asshole, Qrow used his previous momentum to thrust his bird form further up his digestive track. This should be far enough. While Ozpin said he didn’t need to go too deep, he did need to go in deep enough to prevent himself from getting into a weird position that wouldn’t kill Thanos. 

Qrow swore under his breath before returning to his human form. Hopefully, Thanos’s body would explode before his would. Ozpin did indicate that there was a chance that the two of them would both collapse, Qrow from the unrelenting pressure of Thanos’s ass, and Thanos from the insertion of a foreign object too big to take up the ass. 

He felt his body pushing up against Thanos’s internal organs as he grew back into a human form, stretching and pushing. But he was growing too fast, and Thanos wasn’t breaking!

“Rat bastard,” swore Qrow before reaching into his boot to pull out a knife. He was going to have to gut Thanos from the inside. He dug his knife into the very flesh of Thanos and pushed, but struck bone. Qrow gritted his teeth as he struck his hand towards his ribcage and broke the ribs, and his own hand. He then used his other hand to strike his dagger through Thanos’s thick meaty flesh, blood and other bodily biles pouring out everywhere. Suddenly, he had created an opening. Qrow emerged covered in blood and took in a breath of fresh air. His lungs felt alive again, now being able to breathe. Thanos was writhering in a puddle of purple blood and guts, the gauntlet still attached to a dismembered arm. 

“I’m still alive,” Thanos sputtered. “You should’ve...gone for the head…” 

“Bitch,” said Qrow as he decapitated Thanos. His lifeless head fell to the ground, eyes opened. Qrow bent down and took the arm still attatched to the gauntlet, and put it into his bag. He had completed the task. He had saved the world. Now all he had to do was get the gauntlet back to Ozpin so they could give it to it’s rightful owner. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry


End file.
